Kurt Haunts My Dreams

I had a dream last night...luck I was able to create this concept of what it was using my incredible photoshop™ skills. This is a pretty spot representation of what happened. I woke up in a cold sweat yelling Kurts name. Even in my dreams Kurt destroys all the things I love...including...himself.

"Topical" Thunder™

What I learned today was that I need to use the word "topical" correctly other wise I will get a verbal lashing from Kurt...So now I'm off to read my dictionary he gave that is highlighted with all the word that I have used improperly over the years...thanks for the gift Kurt.

Kurt's going AWAY! YIPIEE!!

So kurt is going away for a trip to South America, and boy do I need it (rim shot). But what sucks is having to listen to him talk about it all the time. "They are sending me cause I'm so awesome", "I'm going to have so much fun alone"...blah blah blah. He is getting sent there by his work so it is only inflating his already HUGE ego. If they knew the Kurt I know, his work would be sending him too NICE CAMP...yeah i said it nice camp, a place to go to soften people up. Make them humble and respectful. Instead they are encouraging his attitude by rewarding him and his evil ways! I was like "Hey Kurt i hope you have a nice trip" and he goes "Yeah well I desereve this trip, I'm surprised they didn't send me sooner"

Farewell Kurt my evil buddy, hope they don't mistake you for El Diablo and try to sacrifice you Mayan style!

*by the way those are REAL people he is holding!

My mom thinks Kurt is funny!

So my mother and I were having a conversation a while back, and I cant get what she said out of my mind. Lets start from the beginning...my mother is on Facebook™ like every other 50+ year old mom is now a days. You know playing mafia wars™, taking the "which 90210 character are you?" quiz and connecting with other old people on the Internet who were told about Facebook™ from their grand kids. ANYWAYS she is "friends" with Kurt and so she gets to see his status updates. We were having a lovely conversation then she said to me "Kurt is so funny". Now normally I am a peaceful man, never been in a fight, never got close. But upon hearing my mom utter these 4 words my entire world was turned upside down. I felt faint, and I can sense the anger welling upside. I asked my mom..."what the eff did you just say?" She repeated "Kurt is funny, I like reading his status updates" at this point I let out a yell of PURE anger! I told my mom to go to hell and hung up on her. Deleted her number from my cell phone and began to look up on the Internet how you can divorce your parents! It was hard to read the monitor through all the tears I was shedding but lets just say the decision lays in the judges hands now!

How could you mom? I thought we were friends.

My mom never said I was funny....I hate you Kurt!

Facebook HATE!

So I learned today that Kurt really hates how I comment on Facebook™. I know that I am in no way shape or form a funny writer. As a matter of fact I hate trying to write funny stuff. But every once and a while I get a wild hair up my ass and decide to comment on something he had said on Facebook™. Every time, without fail he IM's me right after I comment (how he got my IM name i do not know). I don't know how he knows I'm going to comment cause he reacts to it like 2 seconds after I post it. Its as if he has Facebook™ up on his 4th monitor waiting for someone to comment on his comment! Anyways he starts telling me how I'm not funny and that what I write sounds arrogant and junk. I plead with him that i do not do it on purpose and that i will delete the comment as long as he would stop calling me names and threatening my life. Being a comedy genius, like he is, must be hard work. He has to listen to me day in and day out make lame comments in an attempt to make him and others laugh. I wish that he would just maybe crit my work and tell me how I can be funny like him. So instead of trying to spread and share his gift to others he just hordes it all away like the effing OCD comedy hoarder that he is!

Kurt Doesn't Like Internet Links!

So when something is fun or interesting on the internet you send the link to your friends right? Well i learned the hard way (once again) that Kurt is not my friend. I look at every link he send me. All the lame political humor he likes, links to buy a shirt from a weird internet site even a link to his own site so he can brag about how funny he is. Then the one day i send him a link of a guy who creates his own music. All it is, is this guy being a artist and creating. Its not offensive and is only about 5 min long. Hell you don't have to watch it only listen and what does Kurt say to all this, well here is the IM convo we had:


Ry-Ry: Check out this musician he does all his own music...
Kurt: I can't stand it.
Kurt: I'm not kidding.
Kurt: The thumping of the drum hurt my ears.
Kurt: Dude.
Kurt: I don't care about this.
Ry-Ry: Really im sorry to have bothered you with this, I was just trying to show you something cool and interesting
Kurt: I mean it i dont care...at all.
Kurt: I swear.

The hate still grows after all these years.

Mother F'in Marbles

So i had a encounter with one of Kurt's many many ladies friends. And it seems that Kurt can even effect the most coy and quiet of people, making them vengeful and evil! I was punished for being his friends by an ONSLAUGHT that is MARBLES. Marbles is a beast from hell! He has deadly claws and a constant look of evil and hatred towards people. Some may call him cute and cuddly but NAY he uses that as a front to hide his love of feeling his claws rip through human flesh! I was bombarded with image after image of this beast until I broke down and started to sob...Kurt did little to stop this physiological abuse and I'm sure laughed about it on the car ride home! I did not sleep though the night, for I kept seeing MARBLES in my mind pouncing on my bed and lapping my soul away...F you MARBLES...F you!